Self-Love vs. Selfishness: Finding the Balance in Modern Life

Love Yourself, Love Others.

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” ~ Lao-Tzu

I’m all for self-care and self-love. I’ve written many times about how, without self-love, we are incapable of loving anyone else. I understand and appreciate that many of us are brought up with a reluctance to take care of ourselves before others.

However, as is the wont of modern life, we are moving toward the grey end of the self-love spectrum.

Fueled by social media and “The Kardashian Effect,” we have become not only selfish but narcissistic. We have blurred the lines between compassion for self and selfishness.

My sister is a leading psychologist in Kuwait. In the last few years, she has had to deal with many clients who are carrying a distorted conception of self-love. More and more people are becoming self-involved at the expense of others.

They don’t seem to understand that self-love includes compassion for others and ourselves. She has observed the new generation acting aggressively and self-indulgently, stepping on others to get what they want under the pretence of “self-love.”

Narcissism (What Self-love is Not)

According to Psychology Today, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is,

“a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centred, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced they deserve special treatment.”

Of course, I’m not saying that everyone who practices self-love is narcissistic; instead, many of us are going about it the wrong way.

Self-love should arise from an inner drive—not an external impetus. It has to feel authentic and genuine. Self-love is not an aggressive act that places our personal rights over those of others.

As our culture now assigns so much value to physical appearance, personal achievement, and success symbols, it’s become easier to overstep our boundaries and those of others in the name of self-care.

In other words, we are set up to become more narcissistic.

We put people down to feel superior. We are more concerned with how we look to others than actually doing the work. We are also very quick to blame others when things don’t go our way.

However, self-love is a journey. Self-love is not a random collection of selfish acts claiming our perceived rights.

Today, many of us live in a world of fear—a ‘scarcity mentality.’ We feel threatened and can’t be fulfilled without taking our fulfilment from the world. We have little time for compassion or giving; we’re too busy nurturing ourselves.

We act in a way that to survive is to take from others rather than cultivate a common cultural bond and stronger communal ties.

Wasn’t that how Homo sapiens outlasted the more powerful and technologically advanced Neanderthals?

What is Self-love?

Society has often frowned on those who practice self-love or self-care as being too selfish. As such, we have long felt stifled to think of ourselves, always putting the needs of others first.

However, true self-love is a dynamic state that helps develop physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. Simply put, self-love means knowing ourselves to such an extent that we accept who we are, with all our strengths and flaws. We not only take responsibility for our actions, but we are accountable for them.

In this state of being, we see ourselves as we are within.

We don’t base our self-worth on exterior values. As we deepen this love for ourselves, we begin to look at others more compassionately. We accept ourselves and those around us. We come to understand that they, too, have weaknesses.

Thus, we learn to set the right boundaries in alignment with our core values; we know when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’ based on our internal needs.

I’ve spent years working on self-acceptance. My journey to self-awareness has been profound. I’ve found that the more I know myself, the more I understand others.

In my knowing, I’ve become assertive rather than aggressive, learning how to set the right boundaries.

A few months ago, for instance, I refused a speaking gig because I had too much on my plate. I thought of “me first,” as I knew I wouldn’t be at my best then.

I also considered the audience. The corporate crowd at this particular gig needed me less than others—my work, family, and friends.

I decided to cancel based on my internal values—not external—even though I would’ve gotten many more opportunities from talking to the corporate audience.

On an aeroplane, we are asked to put on our oxygen masks before we help others, even infants. It’s the same with self-love. The more we embrace self-love and the empathy that comes with it, the more aware we become of ourselves and others.

The more comfortable we become with loving ourselves, the better we automatically build an environment of love around us.

1 Corinthians 13:4 describes this kind of love:

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

We know we are no more important than others when we love ourselves.

We understand that self-love means awareness, acceptance and compassion.

We recognise that by loving ourselves, we bring our best selves forward and become better overall.